the crucible

Am still alive at the moment - and am only running on faith. It may smack of being delusional, but I call it being positive.
I am going to travel on the 12th in the early hours. Will be there in the AM of the 12th.
I am mentally exhausted running all the possibilities and all the things that may happen. I am only positively reinforcing my faith at the moment. I have faith in love. I have faith in me and in my relationship. I am driven by the conviction that the woman who made me so happy in the past is the only woman who completes me.
At the moment I am being blasted in the furnace of the situation. Only faith will survive this test in this crucible.
Yesterday the visa process got initiated after some initial big scares. I take that as the first skirmish won in this quest. The giant titanic battle - that with my lady's decision - will require all my focus and energy. It will either make or break my life.
But for the moment, I resist the heat of this crucible and trudge along only on faith.

the first crushing defeat

She said she's made up her mind. She's decided she doesn't love me any more and that it's over. "Come over - but only to say goodbye" and "We can just be friends - but you shouldn't mind if I see somebody else" were just some of the heart-rending words I heard on Monday.
More cruel were the words "There is somebody who likes me. I don't love him, but I like him too" left me with a nervous tremour for a heart-beat.
The only way I'm still surviving and am sane is by keeping telling myself that I will change her mind when I get there.
I WILL CHANGE HER MIND WHEN I GET THERE! SHE WILL LOVE ME AGAIN! I WILL HAVE MY LIFE BACK!
The trip's on the 12th (I hope, if the visa and the ticket work out). That's one day after she returns from her christmas holidays at home. But the worst bit is her mind. I pray to God that she hasn't built so many walls that I am unable to break them all down.
But then I know I will win her back. I surely will!

the war is upon me

Right - I'm back home now. To be honest, being in a a really shitty city, put up in a crappy hotel and working in a really depressing office were all contributors to amplifying the extreme anxiety I was feeling.
I couldn't wait to get back - I got on the first available flight on the weekend. Even reached the airport 5 hours early! Pacing up and down the airport lounge, luggage in tow, gazing at the departures board hundreds of times - time seemed to drag on too slowly. Yet, it was infinitely better than being stuck in the hotel room with just my thoughts and a feeling that nothing was happening to make the situation better.
Friday saw a real struggle to get the assignment terminated, and it was only by a large amount of perseverance and clever manoeuvering was I able to get the nod for my immediate travel. How could I ever explain the real reason - that I couldn't do even a bit of work, the condition I was in?
Arriving home at the airport was an immediate relief and getting back to the house filled me with renewed hope.
Sure there're still waves of anxiety - but they're not as strong. My hair are bearing the brunt of my anxiety though - yesterday when I shampooed, I was getting handfuls out everytime I brushed my hands through the lather. Feels like I'm on chemotherapy.
However, I have convinced myself that things will be fine. Plus the fact that I am getting about sorting my visa out is an added bonus!
A mate from the UK has sent me the letter I require. It should reach me shortly. 4 passport-size photos for the visa application - clicked yesterday. Visa application centre was closed yesterday without any note on when they'll open again. But I'll call them regularly to make sure I get in first day they open!
Yesterday - a quick nervous call to her to wish her a happy holiday season. Felt good to hear her voice again. She didn't seem angry with me for calling. I kept it quick as planned.
Today onwards, I work on the powers-that-be within my employer to see if anything can be done to get me transferred to the UK. Until now all avenues explored have turned out to be cul-de-sacs. But where there's a will, there should be a way. Keeping on beating at the wall is the only way I don't collapse and give up on everything.
The next few days shouldn't see much in way of development on any front. But they should avail themselves to getting a lot of things started - especially on the visa and the transfer front.

the anxiety continues

Had a couple of rather long calls with her yesterday. Each time I speak to her and try to convince her to not stop loving me, it feels like I push her away still more.
The anxiety is palpable. As usual it comes up in waves, but I think I have it under control as long as I keep myself occupied. It's not easy when each waking thought is of what I'm going to say to her when I meet her. How are things going to play out? What all can go wrong? Too many things standing in the way. Not the least of which is time. I need to be with her now, amidst familiar surroundings. I know she could't be so heartless that all the love we shared just died in a couple of weeks. That's what I keep telling myself. I keep telling myself I can rekindle the flame that burnt so strong within her once before.
But my heart is plagued with what ifs. What if she's started to despise me now? What if everything I do and say continues to push her away? What if my visa gets rejected? What if she decides we can't see each other any more and she wants to move on? What if, what if, WHAT IF!!!!!!
Had a very fitful couple of hours of sleep yesterday.
Am returning to my home tomorrow, so the familiar surroundings and my family should lessen the pangs of high anxiety.
Going to apply for the visa as soon as the embassy office opens after the holidays. Could be a while. Could also take a while to get the visa afterwards. Maybe up to a month. Not good news. My world's finished in a month.
I've played the entire plan out in my mind so many times. Not once did it go off flawlessly. Too many things can go wrong.
Thanks, blogger - for helping me occupy another half hour of my miserable existence.

barely afloat

That's how I see myself at the moment. Yesterday I came to know that my woman's seriously considering breaking up with me - something I felt was coming for some time now. Each day over the past couple of weeks has brought with it new realizations of exactly how much she means to me. It's true - you best realize the value of what you had when you don't have it any more.
In a frantic desperate burst to survive, I have started jettisoning things of lesser importance. A high-profile 3 month assignment at HQ. History as of yesterday. Chances to positively influence the way my career would shape in the next few years - probably set back a couple of years. A home I love very dearly and a country which I am deeply attached to - come second.
I have requested a posting in the country where I can be with her - at least until the madness is over - one way or the other. If not via a work permit, I will pursue my trip through a tourist visa. The earned leaves accumulated over the years - all about to be wiped out for a greater cause. Preparation to have loss of pay after that too. Both will be detrimental to my performance appraisal at work - but that's far from my main concerns at the moment.
A small pot of savings carefully and lovingly accumulated for my second life - my research - a pot to be heartlessly decimated.
But if I live and am strong, all these things can be regained. With her at my side, I can do it all, all over again. Without her all these things seem hollow and devoid of meaning or purpose.
I might be hamstrung in this fight, but this is a fight this man is going to fight till the bitter end. I'm betting all I have on it - I have to succeed. There can't be an alternative.

At the end - a word of appreciation for my dear friend. As always, you've been a brother to me yet again in your moral support. You're one of the few things I have to be thankful for at the moment.

She's leaving me

Yes - my worst fears seem to be materializing even as I stand helplessly without being able to do anything to stop it!
The grief is palpable - choking my throat. The fact is everywhere. It's in my work, in my meetings, in conversations I have, in the food that refuses to slip down my unwilling throat, in all my waking moments and in my sleep. Everything reminds me of her and nothing helps take my mind off the coming disaster. And my hands are tied. I need to be with her right now. But that's something I am unable to achieve without proper visa documentation. And that'll take time. This couldn't have come at a more inopportune time. I could not have been more helpless.
I can only watch as she drifts away from me and keeps trying to hide the fact that she's losing interest - that she's given up.
I keep sending her long emails. And her replies are terse and avoid talking about how she's feeling.
She's going home now - for 3 weeks. It's always been a bad thing for us. Everytime she's home, she feels the pull of her past weakening her ties with UK, with me. This time around, I'm not going to be there when she returns. And she'll announce her decision about us as I beat helplessly at the walls keeping her from me - both physical and emotional.
This is a dead man walking. A ghost, a shell. It ain't going to be pretty. It's going to be a right mess. And I can only stand by and watch helplessly while it happens.

about shit that happens

Shit happens... and absolute shit happens absolutely! That was a quote I concocted many years ago.
At the moment, I have chosen to cease trying to be the voice of reason on this blog and just immerse myself in the tide of dejection that's lapping on the shores of my consciousness. So here's a lament to the departure of blue skies, chirping birds, the song in my heart and the skip in my step.
It's times like these that old, trustworthy and dependable distractions turn out to be ineffectual in turning my thoughts from dark and murky recesses of depression. It's times like these when the lack of real substance in my life makes itself pronounced and saps all the will to walk along this path. It's times like these when the path I walk on appears in the failing light, in its true colour - the colour of a shallow and meaningless existence.

righteousness or peace?

In a recent post, my buddy talked briefly about the choice between righteousness and peace. Teddy Roosevelt has been quoted in the Museum of Natural History as saying "If I must choose between righteousness and peace, I choose righteousness"
The statement begs deeper thought and introspection. So I gave it some and then I did some.

Always being one to think at logical extremes, I realized that righteousness and peace should necessarily go together if all people around us were reasonable and principled. But that almost never happens. Most of the times we see absolute pricks around us with egos the size of Hindenbergs (and at the same altitude too). Hence the question about the choice between righteousness and peace.
So does one continue down the path of righteousness and fight for one's principles? Or does one meekly accept the situation and opt for peace? To that I'd say choose your battles well, my friend. Righteousness does not demand immediate retaliation, nor does it demand violence. If the next guy is a pissant prick, sure... look around to make sure it's safe, and then knock the punk's lights out!
But if not, postpone your response to another day and to another situation. Perhaps even think about how righteousness would best dictate the response.

But more often than not, a retaliatory response is more in defence of a hurt ego than of righteousness. More often than not, it's not righteousness that's endangered, it's your self esteem and ego. More often than not, righteousness is just used as a cover for justifying basically selfish and downright imbecilic actions.
Take the US invasion of Afghanistan and then of Iraq as an example. The "coalition against terror" used righteousness as a shield to justify morally degraded and completely unforgivable actions. I bet that dumb asshole Bush thought about Roosevelt's statement and thought it justified his approach and his actions. But the Islamic extremists also would be in an equally strong position to claim that Roosevelt's statement justified all of their actions too.

Moral of the story? Don't be an asshole! Be sensible and figure out if it's indeed righteousness which is at stake here? Otherwise peace is always a better choice. If your principles are indeed at stake, question whether your principles are righteous in the first place. If you're Bush, for example, you're a dipshit and your principles are worth less than a steaming pile of dog turd on a hot humid afternoon!
If righteousness is indeed at stake, you should indeed fight for it (otherwise you'd be a right pussy!). But choose carefully your mode of retaliation. Most of the times, the blow which is not visible hurt a lot more than a punch on the face!

the concept of the one

Hmmmm now a post that some of you might find a bit soppy. I know I would if I were in a flippant mood.
This one's about the concept of the one. It's the idea that there's only one person in the world who can make you complete, who can make you experience true love, who makes you feel like there is indeed magic in this world.
In an earlier post, I had talked about the chemical explanation behind falling in love and being in love. Yes it's a great feeling... the best the first time around and not that great the 50th time and so on.
I, for one, grew up to believe that there is only one person who could really completely fulfil me. The reasoning is as follows -
To find the ultimate happiness with one person, you need to be sure that it is the right person AND that there can be nobody else who can make you more happy.
The first part - making sure it's the right person is the tricky part, and it's where most of us give up. But the second part is the one of paramount importance. If you do not believe that one person can make you happier than all else, the whole construct falls apart. It destroys the foundation on which the security of the relationship will be based. You will never know that the next person who comes along will not possibly be a better person to be with. You will not know that this is it and it is THE thing you have waited for. And knowing all those things is what will make the difference between being with the one and being with just another great-to-be-with person.
So that's what the concept of the one is. Let me tell you... it's got potential to be the concept that rocks your world. It can give you a totally different wonderful perspective on life. It will enable you to make sense of life... to be fulfilled. Your life will stop being empty and meaningless. Are you disillusioned about love, about relationships, about intimacy and about sex? This is what will make it all go away, what will make you a better person and make you exceed all the limitations you thought existed.

The other part - finding who the one really is... well that's the tricky part. I believe it has a lot to do with your luck. You can't look at somebody and think that because they look a certain way, they are the one. I believe it all hinges on meeting the person and discovering that they are the one. The attraction to the person may come before or after you realize they are the one. Usually it happens together. You'll realize that everything about the person amazes you. You'll realize that it makes sense to have the person in your life. Of course, all this will indeed be accompanied by the familiar rush of love... but you'll realize that it's somehow different this time. You'll slowly but surely realize it's the one.

But then how do you know which person of all the billions who walk the world, is the one for you? That's where luck comes in. I believe that since we're already bordering on the realm of the non-mundane and magical, it's not such a stretch to believe that if somebody's intended to be the one for you, and you for them, life will have a way of making your paths cross. That's when you have to grab the bull by the horns and make things happen. Don't let all your inner demons and your past stand in the way of the best thing in your life!

what WILL it take? the root of the problem

Most of us, who are environmentally conscious or environmentally conscientious are only aware of a part of the problem.
For a long time I used to believe that the root cause of the rapid pace at which the environment is going to hell is over-population.
Population is indeed the root cause, but it's not the only one. The real whammy comes in the form of consumption. The amount of environmental degradation is a function is a function of both the population and the level of consumption of the population. So my earlier notion of highly populated cities/countries being the worst offenders was actually wasn't entirely accurate. The US is by far the worst offending country in spite of the rather low population density. This is because the average American citizen consumes an alarmingly large amount of energy and processed resources than somebody from a developing country. Countries in Western Europe follow closely if one takes recognizance of their land mass size.
The human population of this world is increasing exponentially. What we have here is a time-bomb. The fuse will be lit when the 95% of the world's population, who have drastically lower levels of consumption, increase their consumption because of advances in science or any other reasons.
If all the people in the world were to consume as much as the average American citizen, the world would only be able to sustain a small fraction of the current population.
So what is the solution to the problem? We need to check the rate of population growth and slowly but surely steer it in the downward direction AND we need to lower our consumption. If we hope to increase our consumption level without drastically lowering our numbers, we doom our world to go to hell.

An ending thought - don't have kids. That way you'll be able to sustain your consumption level or maybe increase it. But people usually have kids and maintain their consumption levels because they want their kids to enjoy the same life, or a better life than they enjoy. But this action of your's is ruining our world, and so your kids will have a much worst life than you have anyway. So what's the point of having kids? So don't have kids. Rinse and repeat.
Of course, this will not help (because most of the morons in the world are too short-sighted to understand the truth of the words printed above). But medication is so much preferable to open surgery or to losing the organ for lack of treatment.

of true friendship

A dear friend of mine recently wrote a very moving post on his blog. It was about a journey in more ways than one - he went down to the east coast to celebrate his childhood friend's recent wedding and to meet another childhood friend. It was a joyious reunion and was capped off with a bitter-sweet parting with his mother, who had come to the US to visit.
It warms the heart to think about getting to hang out again with good friends whom you haven't met in years. But such is the lot of those of us who "succeed" in life. We have to go where our careers take us. And that unfortunately often means away from the ones near and dear to us - family and good friends.
Is success truely only measured in terms of what kind of job one has or how many materialistic possessions one has accrued? Does the number of people around you who care for you count for anything at all?
What we're increasingly faced with today is a number of casual acquaintances around us, with whom we spend time because it's better than being by ourselves. We find ourselves increasingly reluctant to make new friends - good ones, because we don't know how long we or they are going to stick around. Indeed it does work out fine when one fine day we move on or they move on, and both don't even give it another thought. There's always new people to meet, new short-term friends to make. It's a good safety net which protects us from the distress of loss of friends time and again. But it leaves our life that much poorer because we can't really forge the ties of friendship which will endure. We sometimes find ourselves back from a trip and with no friend to pick us up from the airport. A friend who won't do it as a favour, but who'll insist. A good friend - a blood brother.
Success in our careers sure seems to be at the cost of failure in our personal life. In some ways I envy those among us who remain where they are in life, but who're surrounded most times by people they care about. I can't help but feel that their life is somehow richer for it.

real magic or clever contrivances?

I remember watching David Copperfield on the telly a long time ago, and being impressed by a few things -

• The aplomb with which the show was carried out
  
• The beautiful and sexy magician's assistants
  
• The sheer awesomeness of the magic tricks performed
  

I don't really remember the tricks performed, just that they were really cool.
Later I saw the 100 greatest tricks of all time, and at number one was David again, being sawn into 2 parts by a giant circular saw, in plain view. All done with mirrors, they say. Probably. But these are still awesome tricks!
Yesterday they showed a program in which a magician revealed the secrets behind some popular magic tricks. It was amazing how the magicians use a combination of optical illusion, clever machinery and devices, distractions, sleight of hand and plain skill to pull off the most spectacular tricks. In most cases, most of us would just kick ourselves for not spotting the explanation behind the trick we witnessed - they're that simple.

That really brings me to another gifted contemporary magician - David Blaine. This David has a different style and performs a different set of tricks. Some tricks like card tricks are very easily explained by sleight of hand. Doesn't make the tricks any less baffling, because the untrained eye can't spot the sleight, and it does bring a smile on our face when something unexpected happens! What throws you off completely is the informal and apparantly impromptu surrounding in which the tricks are usually pulled off.
But apart from cards, some of the tricks David performs boggle the mind. Levitation, mind reading and things which border on paranormal activity are just some of the things which leave you wondering whether David indeed has a greater gift than just being a talented conjurer.

I think either David is extremely gifted - spiritually (perhaps even having ESP), OR more likely, the tricks he performs are very very ingenious. Which one is it? I can't make a call on that because I have never seen him perform in person. If I were asked to make a guess, I would opt for the latter possibility.

the big lunar landing hoax and my broken dream

There has been a long-standing belief that man never went to the moon - that the whole thing was a big hoax. After being presented with all the evidence for supporting the claim that it was a hoax and being witness to NASA's downright ridiculous defence of their shoddy evidence for supporting the lunar landings, I have to unequivocally side with the conspiracy theorists.
NASA is just lame in their defence of the allegations of fraud levelled at them. What really cracked me up was the following argument -

Really brilliant scientist supporting the conspiracy theory -
The band of radiation outside of a 500 mile radius from the Earth's surface would need a 6 feet thick lead layer to shield the space craft and the people inside. This is in contrast to the literally paper-thin Aluminium shields of the Apollo aircrafts. Also the radiation levels experienced on the Moon would require the astronauts to wear a suit capable of shielding them adequately.
###this is in contrast to the multi-layered suits worn by the NASA astronauts, comprised of paper-thin layers of aluminium, plastic etc###
The nature of the suits were not even enough to shield the astronauts from the temperature gradients (+250 degrees in the sunlight and -250 degrees in the shade). The liquid cooling system was no way sufficient to perform within the required range.
Still, the astronauts returned to earth seemingly unharmed by the intense radiation or the extreme temperature gradients. In fact they seemed to be perfectly fit.

Really dumb spokesperson of NASA -
The conspiracy theorists are just plying bad science. ###this is where I was expecting some solid refuting/rebuttal based on solid scientific facts###
The spacesuits worn by the astronauts were really tough, and resilient to a variety of different things.
###ahem! brilliant scientific argument Sherlock!! How could all the brilliant scientists who support the whole lunar landing conspiracy theory miss the point that the space suits were tough??!! Of course, they MUST be wrong then!!###

My God!! The guy's extreme dumbness boggled my mind. It led me to the conclusion that NASA is filled with dumb assholes (stands to reason, if their spokesperson is that dumb!!). Also the fact that NASA still sticks to it's story of the Apollo landings on the Moon proves even further that they are assholes.
I have therefore added NASA employees to my dumb assholes blog.

But digression aside, looking at the highly likely fact, that man has never ventured outside a 500 mile radius from the Earth's surface, I had to re-think my notions about walking on the Moon. I would like to change the premise from walking on the Moon to walking on any planet/heavenly body, which does not kill me instantly, or severely damage me in any way! Having a hospitable environment which can support carbon based life forms like ourselves would be an added plus (the main premise of most Star Trek episodes :))
Given the fact that man probably never walked on the surface of any heavenly body except the Earth does decrease the pang of regret that I was feeling because of the knowledge that somebody else had done something that I hadn't.

a prayer for a bit of goodness

Yesterday night, as I lay in bed and waited for sleep to overtake me, I was wondering about things that really bother me about the world. The list sure is long.
And the knowledge that there are so many bothersome things in life, is a bother by itself. There are very less waking moments when the weight of existence does not weigh heavily on my shoulders.
I lament the loss of innocence, the loss of goodness, the loss of purity and the loss of simple joys. The corruption in society permeates into every nook and cranny - even I have been corrupted by it's influence. I am not holier than thou and I would not be the first person to cast a stone at anybody. I have a lot of crap in my life, and I have done things I clearly can see are wrong. What's distressing is that it no longer alarms me to realize what I am capable of. Instead, where there should have been alarm, there's only a niggling bother in the background of my consciousness. An awareness, that not all is as it should be and that there's nothing around me that is a source of the hope that things will be alright.
So what exactly is it, that makes life worth living? What exactly is it that gives us hope? I searched my past, my reasoning and my sense of right and wrong for the answer.
The answer was - the hope that there's a bit of good left in the world. That's what makes me feel good. It's the simple hope that there still exists a bit of good in the world. That there still exists that, which is as yet untainted by all the evil and the moral decrepitude that permeates our existence. That there is still that which is pure and innocent.
It's not something I can aspire to... not any more. I am no longer worthy of it. But I can pray that it is preserved, wherever it is, in whatever form it is. One thing is for certain, there's not a lot of it around.
Ancient Hindu texts describe the occurence of Kaliyug - a time when evil is rampant and all values are lost. Looking around, I feel like we're in the midst of a Kaliyug right now.
it's a situation much like the evil of the black power in "The Lord of the Rings", which permeates everything in the world and small islands of good fight a losing battle. This world faces an unseen enemy - and we don;t even realize we're under attack. The enemy's killing out all that's good. And there's no ring here that may be destroyed to restore goodness and sanity.