same shit different day

A phrase a colleague of mine used to colourfully describe his current affairs when I asked the customary "How's it going?". What a succinct and wonderful way to describe most of the things that happen most of the days.
But today this has a whole new meaning. A dreaded email. Once more the shit in my love life has hit the fan. Once more impatience has gotten the best of a good woman, and things are headed south for us.
A phonecall later on might confirm it or stave it off. I don't know. Meanwhile my long time friend - weariness is paying me a sustained visit.
I am totally weary... I am not sure I have the strength to fight it out any more. Of course, it's a totally different matter of whether or not I can trust her at all and whether or not it's worth it at all. If 2 months can wear her thin, what's the whole frigging point?
My heart aches with a dull pain. The wound is mortal, but this time I'm not thrashing about as before thanks to my weariness. The end will come, but it will be a slow and sure one.
I feel like dropping everything and moving to the sanctuary of home, as I did before (which probably saved my sanity then). There are flashes of previously unthought-of recourses to companionship... that of an arranged match. Maybe there's a chance with that cute girl back in my office in Pune. On second thoughts, she'd probably turn me down and the anti sexual harrassment police would can my sorry ass on the top of it. I can see that my old insecurities are back as well.
Perhaps I'll just go back to the UK and try to give it one more try, linger on if unsuccessful... and try elsewhere.
Don't know. Hell... don't even know if I'll be in any state to do anything after we sort it out.
I'll probably need a rebound and I'll be stuck in a place where they don't exist.
There's shit everywhere... it's just the day that has changed.

what's worse?

Being away from the person I love and from my support system, I've been experiencing the pangs of loneliness... perhaps a taste of what she went through when I went back home. It isn't a very pleasant sensation, and each day I long to be back with her.
When I was with her, it was different though... I started remembering the reasons we didn't see eye to eye on occasions, I started experiencing again what it felt like to take her for granted... to know no matter what happened, we'd still be around. Something I had never thought I'd do when I thought we were over. It's like I became a totally different person, as if somebody had thrown a switch! And in that I had gathered strength... the strength I needed to stabilize myself in case December 2004 happened all over again. I told myself, and her, that I'd done it this time... I'd rearranged my life and my whole world for her, but if there ever was a next time, I wouldn't do it. The strength came from once more coming face to face with the problems we'd always had.
Now the switch has been thrown once more, unfortunately for me, the other way. The strength to withstand the separation has ebbed and left me lonely and melancholic.
A lot of times when I've been with her, I have asked myself the question whether she's the right person to be with. There are so many things where we don't see eye to eye, and there are so many things we'd like to be different about each other. Not only trivial matters, but also quite serious matters fundamental to any relationship. A lot of times I have thought whether all the problems we face and all the differences are worth the joy of being together. But when faced with the alternative of being without her, being with her seems to be a much better option.
I've known loneliness... I've known what it's like to not have anybody to love, to not have anybody who loves you. I've wrung my hands in despair and in prayer. So why do I lose sight of that perspective when I have what I want? Perhaps not something that's perfect, but something that's better than nothing?
Or is it really? In matters of love, is being with the person who doesn't make you 100% happy better than not being with anybody? Since when did love become a hygiene factor?
Perhaps George Michael had it right when he sang Faith... maybe it's good to have somebody to hold you while you wait for something more. But I'm not cast in that mould... I couldn't take advantage of somebody's love to satisfy a need of not being alone.
It's strange what fare life's spread before me. If I could do it all over again, I'd not do anything differently, because I was never given any choice in what happened to me. I was just a mute spectator - much like the cinematics in a computer game. If however I could have different things happen to me in my life, create choices and then do things differently, I'd be a totally different person right now, in a totally different place and circumstance and with a totally different person (probably still her, but only less bitter and more open because I'd have met her a long long time ago).
What a choice - loneliness or a less than 100% relationship. A choice between 2 evils, only complicated by a mindset that changes with time and circumstance.

new city, new insecurities

Just arrived in another hot IT city in India, on Sunday. And did I say it was hot? Try "43.5 degrees C yesterday" hot.
I'm supposed to be here for 6-7 months. But something does not feel right. I am being saddled with the same shitty kind of work I was avoiding in my old team. The promises made to me implicitly seem to be melting into the background. Something tells me that the other opportunity I was forced to turn down might have been much better in terms of being beneficial to my career.
Not to mention the fact that being away from home, from all the familiar surroundings has brought with it a slew of insecurities. Once more I miss her terribly and have a foreboring of disaster. This time, if it does happen, I will be less devastated however. But still, at home the insecurity was absent. Strange. I have to work real hard now... kick some ass and make some noise. I think that is my best bet to get to the UK as soon as possible.

Career Decisions

After spending the better part of 5 years in this company, being unappreciated, having my capabilities grossly underutilized and generally feeling exploited, there's finally a silver lining.
After getting a nod from my manager to get a transfer to another unit, initially there were no takers because my dumbass manager screwed up my performance appraisal in my leave of absence. Then suddenly, a lot of things fell in place - pretty much at the same time! 3-4 threads of opportunities I was pursuing all paid off at the same time - a couple of them were quite good from my career's perspective.
Finally, when I was flip-flopping between the 2, the decision was made for me and I am now a part of a hot and happening unit. What's more, this work and training will actually make me worth something in the job market - a major reversal of a really bad trend that started ever since I joined this company.
I will need to go and work for 6 months or so in another city - not the best city in India. Not to mention the fact that changes like this (location changes) cause me a lot of stress... usually takes some getting used to, and is a major shift in my way of living. I like familiarity - it sustains me. I wouldn't say I thrive on it, but I usually wither away in the midst of things strange. Unless, that is, there is a compensating factor. And in this case, I'm expecting it to be the new work I'll be involved in. A chance to make my mark and get recognized for what I am capable of.
Not to mention, the good chance of being sent where I've been trying to go for some time now.
Hoping to have this decision proving to be the correct one - from all angles. It certainly seems like the best decision in this situation.

IBM's goofy advert

IBM's doing a series of corny adverts on the telly at the moment. One of them struck me as being particularly goofy. All the adverts run along the central theme of people calling IBM's helpdesk for some assistance or the other. I hope for their own sakes that the concept is symbolic rather than literal, otherwise the vestiges of respect I have for IBM will just get flushed down the toilet (which by the way, is precisely what they should do with this ad campaign and their ad agency).
So on to the advert - there's a big giant white room with a man sitting behind a desk (presumably the helpdesk, you surmise, until a little girl get's it clarified for you - whew... you were right after all!!). So the scene is - little Chinese girl approaching man, asking "Is this the help desk?", the man replying "Yes". The girl proceeds to tell the man how he can help her find out more about dinosaurs, why the sky is blue, etc... you know, all the usual questions a precocious kid would ask.
The man asks "But don't you learn that at school?". Little girl apparently lives in a small village smack bang in the bustling centre of nowhere, where the only thing bustling are the flies. She then looks around at a bunch of kids sitting off in the corner of the white room behind her (on desks, the type you'd find in a school), and asks the man whether she can join them. Man says - of course - they're virtual, available 24/7. Now the message - IBM helps millions of kids learn lots of cool and essential stuff through their e-learning centres.
Right... what's wrong with this pretty little rustic fantasy of a story?
For one thing - little girl lives so far up the arse of nowhere that she can't even go to school. Of course, she'll naturally have easy and inexpensive access to the internet, correct?
Jesus! Do these guys even think about what they show in adverts? Sad days, IBM - I'd fire your ad agency first, then the clowns who approved this whole campaign. Then I'd stop making and airing adverts for 3-4 years (but that's just cuz I'm totally pissed off with IBM adverts).