what's worse?
Being away from the person I love and from my support system, I've been experiencing the pangs of loneliness... perhaps a taste of what she went through when I went back home. It isn't a very pleasant sensation, and each day I long to be back with her.
When I was with her, it was different though... I started remembering the reasons we didn't see eye to eye on occasions, I started experiencing again what it felt like to take her for granted... to know no matter what happened, we'd still be around. Something I had never thought I'd do when I thought we were over. It's like I became a totally different person, as if somebody had thrown a switch! And in that I had gathered strength... the strength I needed to stabilize myself in case December 2004 happened all over again. I told myself, and her, that I'd done it this time... I'd rearranged my life and my whole world for her, but if there ever was a next time, I wouldn't do it. The strength came from once more coming face to face with the problems we'd always had.
Now the switch has been thrown once more, unfortunately for me, the other way. The strength to withstand the separation has ebbed and left me lonely and melancholic.
A lot of times when I've been with her, I have asked myself the question whether she's the right person to be with. There are so many things where we don't see eye to eye, and there are so many things we'd like to be different about each other. Not only trivial matters, but also quite serious matters fundamental to any relationship. A lot of times I have thought whether all the problems we face and all the differences are worth the joy of being together. But when faced with the alternative of being without her, being with her seems to be a much better option.
I've known loneliness... I've known what it's like to not have anybody to love, to not have anybody who loves you. I've wrung my hands in despair and in prayer. So why do I lose sight of that perspective when I have what I want? Perhaps not something that's perfect, but something that's better than nothing?
Or is it really? In matters of love, is being with the person who doesn't make you 100% happy better than not being with anybody? Since when did love become a hygiene factor?
Perhaps George Michael had it right when he sang Faith... maybe it's good to have somebody to hold you while you wait for something more. But I'm not cast in that mould... I couldn't take advantage of somebody's love to satisfy a need of not being alone.
It's strange what fare life's spread before me. If I could do it all over again, I'd not do anything differently, because I was never given any choice in what happened to me. I was just a mute spectator - much like the cinematics in a computer game. If however I could have different things happen to me in my life, create choices and then do things differently, I'd be a totally different person right now, in a totally different place and circumstance and with a totally different person (probably still her, but only less bitter and more open because I'd have met her a long long time ago).
What a choice - loneliness or a less than 100% relationship. A choice between 2 evils, only complicated by a mindset that changes with time and circumstance.
When I was with her, it was different though... I started remembering the reasons we didn't see eye to eye on occasions, I started experiencing again what it felt like to take her for granted... to know no matter what happened, we'd still be around. Something I had never thought I'd do when I thought we were over. It's like I became a totally different person, as if somebody had thrown a switch! And in that I had gathered strength... the strength I needed to stabilize myself in case December 2004 happened all over again. I told myself, and her, that I'd done it this time... I'd rearranged my life and my whole world for her, but if there ever was a next time, I wouldn't do it. The strength came from once more coming face to face with the problems we'd always had.
Now the switch has been thrown once more, unfortunately for me, the other way. The strength to withstand the separation has ebbed and left me lonely and melancholic.
A lot of times when I've been with her, I have asked myself the question whether she's the right person to be with. There are so many things where we don't see eye to eye, and there are so many things we'd like to be different about each other. Not only trivial matters, but also quite serious matters fundamental to any relationship. A lot of times I have thought whether all the problems we face and all the differences are worth the joy of being together. But when faced with the alternative of being without her, being with her seems to be a much better option.
I've known loneliness... I've known what it's like to not have anybody to love, to not have anybody who loves you. I've wrung my hands in despair and in prayer. So why do I lose sight of that perspective when I have what I want? Perhaps not something that's perfect, but something that's better than nothing?
Or is it really? In matters of love, is being with the person who doesn't make you 100% happy better than not being with anybody? Since when did love become a hygiene factor?
Perhaps George Michael had it right when he sang Faith... maybe it's good to have somebody to hold you while you wait for something more. But I'm not cast in that mould... I couldn't take advantage of somebody's love to satisfy a need of not being alone.
It's strange what fare life's spread before me. If I could do it all over again, I'd not do anything differently, because I was never given any choice in what happened to me. I was just a mute spectator - much like the cinematics in a computer game. If however I could have different things happen to me in my life, create choices and then do things differently, I'd be a totally different person right now, in a totally different place and circumstance and with a totally different person (probably still her, but only less bitter and more open because I'd have met her a long long time ago).
What a choice - loneliness or a less than 100% relationship. A choice between 2 evils, only complicated by a mindset that changes with time and circumstance.
posted by the grim sleeper at 10:32 PM
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