the anxiety continues
Had a couple of rather long calls with her yesterday. Each time I speak to her and try to convince her to not stop loving me, it feels like I push her away still more.
The anxiety is palpable. As usual it comes up in waves, but I think I have it under control as long as I keep myself occupied. It's not easy when each waking thought is of what I'm going to say to her when I meet her. How are things going to play out? What all can go wrong? Too many things standing in the way. Not the least of which is time. I need to be with her now, amidst familiar surroundings. I know she could't be so heartless that all the love we shared just died in a couple of weeks. That's what I keep telling myself. I keep telling myself I can rekindle the flame that burnt so strong within her once before.
But my heart is plagued with what ifs. What if she's started to despise me now? What if everything I do and say continues to push her away? What if my visa gets rejected? What if she decides we can't see each other any more and she wants to move on? What if, what if, WHAT IF!!!!!!
Had a very fitful couple of hours of sleep yesterday.
Am returning to my home tomorrow, so the familiar surroundings and my family should lessen the pangs of high anxiety.
Going to apply for the visa as soon as the embassy office opens after the holidays. Could be a while. Could also take a while to get the visa afterwards. Maybe up to a month. Not good news. My world's finished in a month.
I've played the entire plan out in my mind so many times. Not once did it go off flawlessly. Too many things can go wrong.
Thanks, blogger - for helping me occupy another half hour of my miserable existence.
The anxiety is palpable. As usual it comes up in waves, but I think I have it under control as long as I keep myself occupied. It's not easy when each waking thought is of what I'm going to say to her when I meet her. How are things going to play out? What all can go wrong? Too many things standing in the way. Not the least of which is time. I need to be with her now, amidst familiar surroundings. I know she could't be so heartless that all the love we shared just died in a couple of weeks. That's what I keep telling myself. I keep telling myself I can rekindle the flame that burnt so strong within her once before.
But my heart is plagued with what ifs. What if she's started to despise me now? What if everything I do and say continues to push her away? What if my visa gets rejected? What if she decides we can't see each other any more and she wants to move on? What if, what if, WHAT IF!!!!!!
Had a very fitful couple of hours of sleep yesterday.
Am returning to my home tomorrow, so the familiar surroundings and my family should lessen the pangs of high anxiety.
Going to apply for the visa as soon as the embassy office opens after the holidays. Could be a while. Could also take a while to get the visa afterwards. Maybe up to a month. Not good news. My world's finished in a month.
I've played the entire plan out in my mind so many times. Not once did it go off flawlessly. Too many things can go wrong.
Thanks, blogger - for helping me occupy another half hour of my miserable existence.
posted by the grim sleeper at 2:39 AM
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