a wave of positivity
Yesterday brought with it a wave of positivity about my situation. Mostly it was the couple of emails she sent, which went miles in lightening the gloom on my heart. "I still have a chance - I'm not delusional" my mind and my heart sang together.
For a long time, even though I was telling myself I'll get her back, that it couldn't be over this quickly, I had a foreboding that things would perhaps not go the way I wanted. That feeling seemed really distant and faraway yesterday. I even enjoyed an evening without my recently acquired constant companion - anxiety. Had the luxury of falling asleep within 10 minutes of hitting the bed. Had the added luxury of being able to go back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night.
I realized that this could be the beginning of the selfsame complacency which almost killed my relationship in the first place. I'm not falling into that trap again. I don't want to lose the edge lent by fear or the focus lent by constantly staring truth in the face. I will nevermore lose sight of the truth - even if it's not being shoved in my face by some cruel twist of fate.
So for the moment, I want to be scared - at the moment, I am scared once more. I've been badly burnt this once, and I am going to spend every blessed moment I get to spend with her ensuring that there's never a chance of it repeating. Every moment will be remind her of the miracle we both have in each other. Every moment will be spent discovering new meanings of joy and happiness together.
For a long time, even though I was telling myself I'll get her back, that it couldn't be over this quickly, I had a foreboding that things would perhaps not go the way I wanted. That feeling seemed really distant and faraway yesterday. I even enjoyed an evening without my recently acquired constant companion - anxiety. Had the luxury of falling asleep within 10 minutes of hitting the bed. Had the added luxury of being able to go back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night.
I realized that this could be the beginning of the selfsame complacency which almost killed my relationship in the first place. I'm not falling into that trap again. I don't want to lose the edge lent by fear or the focus lent by constantly staring truth in the face. I will nevermore lose sight of the truth - even if it's not being shoved in my face by some cruel twist of fate.
So for the moment, I want to be scared - at the moment, I am scared once more. I've been badly burnt this once, and I am going to spend every blessed moment I get to spend with her ensuring that there's never a chance of it repeating. Every moment will be remind her of the miracle we both have in each other. Every moment will be spent discovering new meanings of joy and happiness together.
posted by the grim sleeper at 7:50 PM
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