reversals and small smiles
The past few days have seen a lot of reversals being suffered in my quest for the triumph of love.
Notably support for this wasted heart's longing has not been easily forthcoming from all quarters. Will not go into details, but in this moment of emotional wreckage, all things positive need to impinge on this fragile state of mind. Any and all negative thoughts and opinions come at the cost of serious detriment to my psyche.
Still I manage to remain positive - keep the negative thoughts at bay - perhaps oft times only just.
The initial days of anxiety have largely been replaced by a gnawing impatience. My spreadsheet says that I have to wait for 712750 seconds, 11879 minutes, 197.99 hours and 8.25 days before I can meet my soulmate once more.
Couldn't sleep yesterday until late, even though I tried to doze off at 10:45 p.m. I reckon I must have been awake until past 2:00 a.m.
But my mind was filled with all positive outcomes of the quest. The sleep wouldn't come for excitement and impatience. I wanted her with me there right then! I wanted to hold her firmly yet gently and love her forever. I wanted to kiss her gently and lie awake all night looking at her and marvelling at the amazing person with who's love I was blessed. I had to settle for some pacing about and strumming some songs on the guitar. It's the same guitar I wanted to trade in for a "better" (more expensive) one, some time back. She stopped me then - "It's your first guitar! Don't give it up!" she implored. I'm glad I didn't - no guitar could have sounded more mellifluous yesterday - in the faint light filtering through the thick curtains of my room.
Don't know exactly when I dozed off after that, but the sleep was peaceful, and on waking up, it was a bit like old times, when I used to want to go back to sleep really bad. I haven't had that in a long time now. Didn't last though, I was back awake and ready for my shower before the alarm struck again.
Drove to work again a first in a couple of weeks. Disaster struck when a stray dog rushed in front of my car at point blank range (10 meters or so) from the bushes in the side of the highway. I wasn't doing more than 60 KpH and hit him at 20 or so after slamming on the brakes. He whimpered and ran away. Just hope he's ok - I'm sure he was injured. Just hope it's nothing serious.
Arrived at work a good 45 minutes before my usual time. My heart almost stopped to see my inbox having 2 emails from her. She's not frequently able to access the internet, so I wasn't counting on her reading my emails for a while longer. Any communication from her now makes me extremely apprehensive - what bad news awaits me next?
Thankfully the emails didn't bring my worst fears to life - there were no words indicating she didn't want me to come. In fact because in my mind I was working with the worst situation I could imagine, her words actually served to somehow lessen the fire that's buring me alive right now.
Just 8 days from now - all this will just be a bad memory I'll never have to think of again. I'll be complete once more, and everything in life will start making sense once more.
Keep the faith...
Notably support for this wasted heart's longing has not been easily forthcoming from all quarters. Will not go into details, but in this moment of emotional wreckage, all things positive need to impinge on this fragile state of mind. Any and all negative thoughts and opinions come at the cost of serious detriment to my psyche.
Still I manage to remain positive - keep the negative thoughts at bay - perhaps oft times only just.
The initial days of anxiety have largely been replaced by a gnawing impatience. My spreadsheet says that I have to wait for 712750 seconds, 11879 minutes, 197.99 hours and 8.25 days before I can meet my soulmate once more.
Couldn't sleep yesterday until late, even though I tried to doze off at 10:45 p.m. I reckon I must have been awake until past 2:00 a.m.
But my mind was filled with all positive outcomes of the quest. The sleep wouldn't come for excitement and impatience. I wanted her with me there right then! I wanted to hold her firmly yet gently and love her forever. I wanted to kiss her gently and lie awake all night looking at her and marvelling at the amazing person with who's love I was blessed. I had to settle for some pacing about and strumming some songs on the guitar. It's the same guitar I wanted to trade in for a "better" (more expensive) one, some time back. She stopped me then - "It's your first guitar! Don't give it up!" she implored. I'm glad I didn't - no guitar could have sounded more mellifluous yesterday - in the faint light filtering through the thick curtains of my room.
Don't know exactly when I dozed off after that, but the sleep was peaceful, and on waking up, it was a bit like old times, when I used to want to go back to sleep really bad. I haven't had that in a long time now. Didn't last though, I was back awake and ready for my shower before the alarm struck again.
Drove to work again a first in a couple of weeks. Disaster struck when a stray dog rushed in front of my car at point blank range (10 meters or so) from the bushes in the side of the highway. I wasn't doing more than 60 KpH and hit him at 20 or so after slamming on the brakes. He whimpered and ran away. Just hope he's ok - I'm sure he was injured. Just hope it's nothing serious.
Arrived at work a good 45 minutes before my usual time. My heart almost stopped to see my inbox having 2 emails from her. She's not frequently able to access the internet, so I wasn't counting on her reading my emails for a while longer. Any communication from her now makes me extremely apprehensive - what bad news awaits me next?
Thankfully the emails didn't bring my worst fears to life - there were no words indicating she didn't want me to come. In fact because in my mind I was working with the worst situation I could imagine, her words actually served to somehow lessen the fire that's buring me alive right now.
Just 8 days from now - all this will just be a bad memory I'll never have to think of again. I'll be complete once more, and everything in life will start making sense once more.
Keep the faith...
posted by the grim sleeper at 6:26 PM
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